#and i simply languished in the hallways watching them. or the mirror. watching myself cry there.

[outlying-hyppocrate]

as i've made it increasingly clear with my therapist i am completely unaware of how to categorize my feelings. i can recognize them fairly adequately but most of the time it is as though they are not there. and sometimes i feel like i am only putting on a show of emotion because i am "supposed to". even when i am brought to tears by something that disturbs me (which is not very often and becoming even less so) i do not "feel" anything but the knots in my throat and the dampness of my face. often i think i should go have a look in the mirror instead.

[fics-4-all]

Pretty Sure Its Me pt 6

Note: This is the longest chapter so far! 3694 words! Pretty proud of myself! ENJOY! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Zach! We did medical here! Please!” I shouted

Helping him down the stairs was quite a task with neither of us being able to support a lot of weight. I kept my hands on his shoulders to help keep him standing. The time it was taking for the medics to get to us was languishing, so I closed my eyes for a brief moment to beg the universe for him to be okay, willing him to be okay. He grunted in pain, there was a tink of metal on the ground and he let out a cry. I opened my eyes to his own closed in pain, then looked down to see a bullet on the ground. I quickly lifted his shirt to see that there was no evidence of him being shot.

When I looked up at him, he grabbed my face and kissed me.

“You healed me! You! You did something!” he continued holding my face

“I-I have no idea what I did though!”

He hugged me tightly right as medical showed up

“Im okay! I don't need help! Y/N healed me!” he laugh-cried

Everyone stopped running around and stared at us. Someone yelled to get Stark. The medics started asking a bunch of questions and crowding me.

“You all need to back up” I tried to say calmly

They continued firing questions at me

“I need you all to back up!”

I was once again ignored. I felt myself begin to grown anxious at their proximity. My eyes flicked around, trying to find a way out but I couldn't find one

“Back up!” I screamed and they were all shoved back a few feet

Zachariah put his hand on my back, helping me center myself

“That was very impressive y/n.” Stark said as he walked towards us “Zachariah are you okay/”

“Yes sir, Im fine.”

“Good, good. Y/N come with me so we can run a few more test and make sure everything is still running smoothly.”

Stark began ushering me away from everyone and I quickly grabbed Zachariah's hand. He followed close behind me, Stark definitely noticed our hands clutching each other but he didn't say anything. He had me lay on the exam table and began a full body exam. Zachariah was instructed to leave by a nurse who was there to help me undress to complete the exam. I shivered slightly on the cool metal of the table top. Soon enough the exams were done and i was cleared to return to my room. I began the trek back to my room, looking for Zachariah along the way, unable to find him. Upon opening my door, however, I found him asleep on top of the covers of my bed. I watched him for a moment before being overcome with exhaustion from today's events. I unlaced and removed his boots before also removing his belt. Entering the bathroom to change, I watched him in the mirror. He looked very peaceful and calm. My mind was buzzing with questions as I laid down. It seemed very quickly that i was falling asleep.

“May I remove my shirt?” a groggy voice asked from behind me

I hummed affirmation and snuggled deeper into the blanket. I was nearly asleep again when i felt arms go around my middle. There was a moment of still silence before Zachariah's breathing evened out again, telling me he was asleep. I synchronize my breathing with his and drifted off to sleep.

Several days later, Zachariah burst into the room somewhat early with a big smile.

“Pack a small bag. We are going on an outing.”

“Where to?”

“The city.”

I did not question him more, simply packing an overnight bag of necessities. I dressed in a public appropriate dress and pinned my hair up. The dress I was wearing was shaped very similarly to a box and left me feeling absolutely ridiculous. I rouged my cheeks a bit to look more alive and then I moved to find my shoes. Zachariah helped me put on my stockings and shoes, then helped me stand. He held my bag and my hand as we walked out towards the courtyard. We were created by Peggy and one other man.

“Look at you all dolled up.” Peggy chuckled

“You know i'm not dolled up Peg. I'm just not in sleepwear.” i laughed

We loaded into the car and began the drive downstate. It was a nearly 2 hour long ride. At one point I dozed off onto zachariah's shoulder.

“y/n, wake up. We’re almost there.” he shook me gently

I sat up and glanced out the window. We were maneuvering the busy city streets with a bit of difficulty. I offered the option of us walking to wherever we were going, because of all the traffic. The driver pulled over and only Zachariah and I got out. We walked slowly due to me not knowing where we were going. Our conversation was light-hearted during our short walk. We had walked into an apartment building, Zachariah leading me up the stairs and me being quite out of breath.

“Right down this hallway, third door on your left.” He let me lead the way, “welcome to my home. Are you ready to meet Mia?”

A smile stretched across my face as he opened the door. He was immediately ambushed by a small, blonde figure

“Zachy! You're home early! And you brought a girl?”

“Mia, this is y/n.” he squatted down to her height

“Are you his girlfriend?”

“Mia!”

“What? You need a girlfriend. You're never gonna get married. That's what Mrs Dorothy says.”

“Speaking of Mrs Dorothy, thank you so much for staying with her today.”

“Its my pleasure, Zachariah. She's a sweet one.”

Zachariah introduced me to Mrs Dorothy, her eyes constantly drifting to my stomach before she dismissed herself. Mia was a bundle of energy, running all around the apartment and continuous spouting questions. We explained to Mia that zachariah and I were just friends, that my husband had died in the war, and that the baby was my husbands and not Zachariahs. None of that pleased her though and she wanted us to get married and have a lot of babies. I was blushing non-stop at her brazenness. Zachariah couldn't help but laugh at the two of us.

“Mia, go get ready. We are going to go out. Hurry now. Hair, stockings, shoes!” He pointed to the bedroom

“Zachy I can't find any stockings!”

“Maybe if your drawers weren't such a mess then maybe you could!” He teased her

“You're a good brother.” I put my hand on his arm

“It's hard being a good brother and also being a good parental figure.” he looked down

“You're doing wonderfully though.” I tilted his chin up

“I'm glad you think so. You're going to be an amazing mother.” He gently placed his palm on my stomach

I felt the flutter of tiny kicks and looked up at Zachariah to see his jaw dropped in amazement. I giggled and held his hand against the kicking point. He pressed his lips to my forehead briefly before we were interrupted by Mia running in, yelling that she couldn't get the top button on her dress done up. She held up her hair and waited as i helped her do the button.

Zachariah told me that he wanted to take me to visit my parents and told me to lead the way there. Mia insisted on holding my hand while we walked, chattering the whole way there about her classmates. We made it to my parents building, making even slower work of their stairs than the ones at Zachariahs. My feet had begun to ache badly due to the shoes I was wearing.

Once we finally made it to my parent floor, Zach held Mia back a bit so that I’d have a moment with my parents alone. This meeting was about to be very awkward, since I hadn't seen them since the funeral service we held for Bucky. I shuffled my feet a bit before finally knocking softly on the door.

“Hel-..y/N!” my mother cried and hugged me tightly, somehow avoiding my stomach “Is here! And she's pregnant!” her face screwed up in confusion

I like to think it was the first part that made my dad move so quickly, and not the latter.

“Y/N! What is this? Where have you been?!”

“I'll explain everything inside, please don't shout.”

My mother ushered us inside, wery of Zachariah. She set us up in the living room and went about making tea for us all.

“Where have you been? And who the hell is this?” My dad crossed his arms and looked Zachariah up and down

“I spent a few months to myself after James and Steve...Then Howard Stark took me into a protective unit because it's believed that their deaths were not just normal war deaths and that whoever killed them, may also be after me. I've been there ever since. Zachariah is my personal guard, and this is his little sister Mia. And don't worry dad, It's James’ baby. I didn't even know I was pregnant until about two months ago. I was too distraught to notice.” I gave a watery chuckle as I held back tears

“Its James’? Do his parents know?” My mother asked

“No ma’am. This is the first stop we’ve made.” Zachariah piped up

“Well they deserve to know Y/F/N. This is their grandchild and the last thing they have of their son.”

“Im aware mother. Please dont speak to me like i'm stupid.”

“What about you, boy. What's your story?” My father barely skipped a beat before beginning to question Zachariah

Zachariah looked up from Mia, who was sat in his lap, and turned his full attention to my father. He started his story the same way he had with me. His age, that he was my guard, his family's deaths and how all he had was Mia. He had my parents hooked in his every word with the way he spoke like an author.

We spent hours at my parents house. My mother had made us lunch and my father continued questioning Zachariah while we ate. Asking him what exactly he did at the compound and what it was that he was protecting me from there. Zachariah once again spoke in such a way that my dad had no choice but to believe him. Sneakily, I slid my shoes off to help relieve the pounding ache. I stretched and flexed my toes and ankles, sighing in relief.

“You okay?” Zach asked and touched my knee

“My feet hurt from walking so much. Pregnancy joys.” I rolled my eyes

“I can rub them if you'd like.”

“I'll be okay.”

“Nonsense. We need you in great shape, we still have to walk back you know.”

He gently pulled my leg up so that feet were in his lap. I couldn't help but to blush at the intimacy of the move. He pressed at the ball of my foot and i was flooded with relief. It felt so nice that I couldn't help but lean back against the arm of the couch. My dad had gone to help Mia and my mother clean up lunch, so we were alone in the small room. It was a very peaceful silence that surrounded us. Words were not necessary right now.

After a while, they made their way back to the living room, where Mia wanted to play some of the games my parents had in the linen closet. Before I knew it, it was nearing sunset and it was time for us to leave. I gave my parents long hugs, promising to visit again as soon as I could. We bid them farewell and began the walk back to Zachariah's apartment. He was piggy-backing Mia and she laughed loudly every time he pretended to drop her.

From the outside, we probably looked like a happy little family, but on the inside we were all very broken individuals. We were nearly back to the apartment, stopped and waiting to cross the street, when someone grabbed me and shoved something into my back. I quickly reached out to try and grab Zachariah's sleeve, just barely touching him before i was yanked into the alleyway behind us. Whoever had grabbed me, shoved me harshly against the wall. The wind knocked out of me slightly. The man had a knife in one hand and a gun in the other, pointed towards the alleyway where Zach stood with Mia behind his back.

“Its okay man, don't act a hero. I just want her purse.”

“There really isn't anything in there just-”

“Shut up!” he pointed the gun at me briefly before pointing it back at Zach

“You don't have to worry about me acting a hero.” Zach said calmly and held his hands up “she would make a move before I did.” he glanced down at my hands

I followed his gaze and saw my palms glowing an eerie blue. The man gave me an evil smirk and went to grab me again. I threw my hands forward, one hand going against his chest while the other hit him in the face. He was thrown back against the wall parallel to us as he screamed in pain. My palms had left nasty red burns where they had touched him; hot enough to have burnt a hole straight through his shirt. ZAchariah was quickly at my side to lead me away. He carefully took hold of my elbow and scooped Mia up as we passed her. We made quick work of making it inside his apartment; the door getting re-locked as soon as it was shut.

“That was amazing!” Mia screamed “You're like a superhero! Like Captain America!”

I smiled softly “Captain America was actually my best friend. We grew up together. He was just Steve back then…”

“His name was Steve? I thought it was be something more impressive…” she crossed her arms

I chuckled and shook my head. Zachariah insisted that I sit down and relax while he helped Mia clean their room. He turned on the radio for me and walked to the next room. I smiled sadly at the tune and closed my eyes. The song playing was “Only Forever” by Bing Crosby; the song Bucky and I first danced to after we got married. My eyes began welling with tears and I did my best to hold back sobs. My fingers trembled as I went to touch the ring that hung around a chain on my neck.

*~Flashback~*

The fluffy white skirt of my dress fell halfway down my shins, perfectly showing off my light pink kitten heels. My mother had somehow managed to wrangle my hair into a glorious updo and attach my vail as I nervously fidgeted in my seat. I clipped on my earrings as mom put my grandmother's diamond necklace around my neck.

“What if he isn't out there mama…”

“Are you kidding me, child? Have you met that boy? We all know he's head over heels for you.”

“Okay but let's say he isn't…”

“Then he doesnt deserve you. Now stop shaking so much or you'll shake those petals straight to the floor.” she glanced at my bouquet

I did my best to calm myself down, taking numerous deep breathes in through my nose and out through my mouth. There was a knock on the dressing room door as my father announced his arrival. He let us know that it was time and closed the door again. My mother kissed my forehead and helped walk me to the door at the end of the aisle. She straightened me out one last time before opening the door as the march began. Father led me with slow steps and his looped through mine. Bucky was standing tall and proud next to the pastor, hands clasped tightly behind his back. Both Buckys and Steve's jaws were lightly dropped as they stared at me. I blushed brightly and held Bucky's gaze. My father announced to the pastor that I was free to marry, and connected my hand with Bucky's. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze before taking his seat.

“You look beautiful.” Bucky whispered right before the pastor started speaking

The pastor gave the usual spiel, not once actually looking at us. We were told to face each other and recite the vows. I said mine with a shaky tone and waited for Bucky. He recited his flawlessly, moving both of us to tears. After he said his “I do”, I let out a burst of nervous laughter, quickly covering my mouth.

“At least we know she really wanted me to say yes!” Bucky said to the small audience watching us, causing everyone to laugh

“James, Y/N, I pronounce you husband and wife! You may kiss the bride!” The pastor looked up at us for the first time, holding a huge smile on his face

Bucky pulled me very dramatically against his chest before dipping me down and kissing me heavily. Cheers erupted around us celebrating our love for one another. That was the most emotional kiss of my entire life. I had never felt happier or more complete.

Everyone filed out of the chapel to cheer us down to the car waiting outside.

Those closest to us were to meet at Bucky's parents home for dinner. Dinner consisted of an absolutely gorgeous ham and many different side dishes. The radio played softly in the background as we ate and drank nearly five bottles of champagne sent by Peggy's family. Eventually, everyone was stuffed and a little drunk. Bucky got up to place a record on the phonograph before holding out his hand to me. Once in the middle of the living room, we began a slow bare-footed dance.

Bucky sang along in my ear “Would I grant all your wishes, and be proud of the task? Only forever, if someone should ask.”

I rested my head on his chest and cried happy tears into his white shirt

“I love you. Forever.” He tilted my chin up

“Only forever?” I teased and kissed him

*~~*

Zachariah held me tightly as I cried, gently massaging the back of my neck to calm me. He had switched off the radio to delve us into almost complete silence. My shoulders shook with heavy sobs and my hands gripped the front of his shirt. We sat there for many minutes before Mia slowly poked her head out

“Y/N are you okay?” she asked quietly

“Yes...Yes I'll be okay. Don't you worry.”

She hugged me tightly before going to the fridge to pull out a small plate of food stored in there

“Will you be okay though?” Zach placed his hand on my cheek

I nodded “Id like to go back to the compound please.” I whispered

“Are you sure you don't want to stay here?”

“I'm sure. PLease.”

He stood up silently, making his way to the hall, probably to use the phone out there. Once he had returned he let me know that they would be here in less than an hour. I took a few deep breaths while he fetched me some water.

He sat next to Mia and made sure she ate all of her food before sending her off to bed. The way he handled her was so adorable. He truely acted the father figure part that he needed to play for her sake, while also being a perfect big brother. I finished about half of the glass of water before I started feeling tired and slightly queasy. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

“Y/N the car should be here soon…” zachariah gently woke me

Mia had long since gone to bed. Zachariah helped me gather my belongings and we only had to wait a few more minutes in a somewhat awkward silence before there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and Peggy immediately wrapped her arms around me. I welcomed her embrace for a long moment; ZAchariah cleared his throat and then scratched his neck.

“Im sorry today wasn't as great as planned.”

“Today was the best i've had in awhile. PLease don't apologize. I'll see you after the weekend.”

I kissed his cheek then followed Peggy down to the car.

The drive back to the compound seemed much faster than the drive in, so I didn't have much time to collect myself completely before I was bombarded by Howard Stark himself.

“How was the city?”

“Same as it was when I left it. however, was good to see my parents.”

“And did everything go smoothly?”

“Yes. Except for my father questioning Zachariah to no end.”

“As any father should a strange man with his daughter.”

It was quiet a tick while I analyzed him

“Howard, do you have a daughter?”

“No, ma’am I do not. Why do you ask?”

“Do you have a wife then? Girlfriend?”

“I-I...will certainly that isn't any of your business.”

“It's good that you don't have either. You're terrible at asking questions and even worse at answering them.” I turned my back and walked away

Howard Stark as a whole was a man that I could not very well stand. He had little respect for other men, and no respect at all for women. Lord help whomever procreates with that man. And Lord help his offspring in hopes they aren't anything like him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tag list: @part-time-patronus @slender--spirit

dont be afraid to ask to be put on the list!